No, You Did NOT Lose the Best Thing That Happened to You

You have been made to believe that you were the problem, that you were the reason they left, and that you deserved all the abuse you had been put through.

When you were in the love-bombing phase with the narcissist, you were made to believe that you were with the perfect person. This person had become your soulmate and the only person who truly saw you and understood you. You were made to feel that you were everything they ever wanted and worthy of such great love. You tried to hold onto that feeling as long as you could, until everything started to change.

Then one day, they became distant and cold, making you feel unlovable and unworthy. The devaluation stage is one of the hardest stages for the victim and survivor of a narcissistic abusive relationship. During this stage, you are meant to believe that you are no longer special, and that you are no longer someone worthy of their love, time, or energy. The abuse intensifies during this stage. There is so much confusion and chaos in your head. You give everything you have to this person to try to make them love you again.

All of the emotional and psychological abuse left you doubting yourself. You wondered what you did wrong. You blamed yourself for how they treated you. You tried harder, only to be left in more pain and confusion.

During this phase, it’s natural to want to try to understand what happened - to try to understand how you went from this person that they loved so much to someone they now seem so disgusted by. In order to make sense of it, you start to believe the things they said to you. You start to believe that you deserved it because you still remember them as the amazing and caring person they were in the beginning. Because you are in a state of cognitive dissonance, you fight with two opposing beliefs: that this is the greatest person that has ever been in your life, but that they are hurting you more than anyone else ever has. You can’t make sense of it, so the only logical reason is that it’s because of you.

Now you wonder, “Did I just lose the best thing that has ever happened to me?” And here is the truth: No, you did not lose the best thing that has ever happened to you. The best thing that has ever happened to you does not leave you in pieces. It does not gaslight you into not being able to trust your own reality or self. It does not make you feel or tell you that you are crazy. The best thing that happened to you did not abuse you.

They manipulated your emotions to feed their own ego. They didn’t allow you to have boundaries to protect yourself. They made you feel like a burden. They made you feel small. And most importantly, they made you lose yourself.

The best thing that will happen to you is healing from a narcissistic abusive relationship. It’s what you deserve. You deserve to trust yourself again, and to understand that there is nothing you could have done to deserve the abuse. As you move towards healing, you will find the person you were before and an even stronger version of your old self. You deserve it, and you owe it to yourself to love yourself, scars and all.

Healing after narcissistic abuse is the hardest road you might ever travel. But it is also the greatest journey that will lead you back to you.