Was it Narcissistic Abuse?

You find yourself lying in bed at night searching up your symptoms, trying to make sense of what you had just been through. You can’t find the words to describe the psychological warfare that has left you in pieces. People call it a bad break up, but you know there was nothing normal about it. You know love shouldn’t hurt this bad or make you feel so shattered and confused. Nothing about what just happened was normal.

How can you explain to everyone how absolutely crazy you were made to feel? How you felt like you mattered so little in the world? How nothing made sense and somehow, you are the reason you can’t stop crying and screaming because of how completely destroyed you are? No one else seems to understand and you just need to know that what you went through was real. That it wasn’t something you imagined. You desperately need to know that maybe somewhere, someone understands what you are feeling and can possibly help make sense of the nightmare you have found yourself in.

Then you stumble upon the words “narcissistic abuse”. Your jaw drops as you read. You feel so seen, you finally feel that you are not alone. It’s like someone knew the exact plot to your story. Love, pain, confusion, and destruction. 

What once felt impossible to explain now makes sense and you finally have the words to describe it. You realize what you experienced was actually real.

Since you are here reading this post to try to understand what you survived, then chances are you were in a narcissistic abusive relationship. If you find yourself reading countless books, blogs, and listening to podcasts on narcissism just to try to validate your experiences, then chances are you were in a narcissistic abusive relationship. If the person you loved and trusted the most left you traumatized, with your nervous system constantly dysregulated and unable to feel safe in your own body, then chances are you were in a narcissistic abusive relationship.

A person doesn’t become obsessed with trying to understand what narcissistic abuse is unless they feel like they have just lived through it. A person doesn't become deeply knowledgeable about narcissistic abuse by accident. Something happened to you and you are finally starting to realize that this was done to you. Not because of you.

The first step in healing is to admit to yourself what you already know. You were in a relationship that was meant to break you. That the level of hatred you felt, the cutting words, the devaluation, and the lies were all part of a bigger plan. You are finally beginning to trust your own memories and emotions since you had been told for so long that your truth didn’t exist. You finally realize you can now start to put the piece together and understand that this was a pattern and you can finally put a name to your symptoms. 

Part of you is so relieved that you finally know that you are not alone. The other part of you is heartbroken to know so many more people have lived through this. And now that you are here and understand that you were pulled into a narcissistic abusive cycle, you can take that first step toward healing. The first step is admitting to yourself the brutal truth and calling it was it was. And now you get to decide how you want to move forward.

Let’s stop making excuses or taking the blame. There was nothing you could have done to deserve what you went through. You did not deserve this. You were never crazy. You were abused.