There is one stage in the cycle that resets and starts the narcissistic abusive cycle all over again. Named after the vacuum, the Hoover, this tactic is used to suck the victim back in.
It’s important to know that not all narcissists hoover. And count your blessings if they never do. The hoover becomes another form of manipulation used by the narcissists. It resets the cycle by bringing the victim into love-bombing 2.0. The narcissist will declare that they still love the victim, promising that they have changed. But they haven’t.
Declarations of love and fake tears pull at the heartstrings of the victim, who most likely still loves the narcissist. They want to truly believe that the narcissist has empathy and remorse for what they have done. Being an empath, they want to give the narcissist another chance. Everyone makes mistakes, afterall. The empath doesn’t stop loving someone so easily, and often takes this as a second chance.
Unfortunately, this just resets the cycle, which moves much quicker this time. The false hope mixed with the rejection of devaluation and the discard, brings the victim back into a state of cognitive dissonance. Instead of trying to move forward, the victim finds themselves back where they have been trying to crawl out of.
The narcissist usually comes back usually because their new supply isn’t fulfilling them the way they expected. They need the victim's supply, not the victim. They could also be sensing that the victim is starting to distance themselves or are beginning to heal and move on. The narcissist needs to regain control to show how much power they still have over them. Unless the narcissists has taken time to go to therapy, look internally, and do the work on themselves, they haven’t changed and it doesn’t just happen over night. They might show back up weeks, months, or even years later.
Here are some tactics used to try to hoover you back in:
-Manufacturing sudden “crisis” where they need you.
-False apologies and promises without trying to right their wrongs.
-Using guilt or shame to make you feel like you were the problem in the relationship.
-Triangulation by bringing a 3rd party in to cause jealousy (usually the new supply).
-Claiming they have changed without showing growth.
-Wanting to restart the relationship while avoiding accountability for past harm.
It’s important to understand these tactics so that you can protect yourself from being pulled back into the cycle. To protect yourself from this, you must stay in no contact or extreme modified contact if children are involved. If hoovering becomes harassment or makes you feel unsafe, please seek help from legal enforcement or family and friends.
